my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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