Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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