Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
