meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
