I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
