I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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