My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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