Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
