Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
