i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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