I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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