1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
