I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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