i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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