my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
