Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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