My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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