my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
