So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
