My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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