I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
