I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
