Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
