yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
