I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
