There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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