I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
