I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
