Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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