the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
