You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
