god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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