I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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