hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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