the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
