you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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