New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
