If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
