I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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