so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
