walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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