So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Found your dick twin last night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
