I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm at about main and main street
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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