I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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