i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
