I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
