Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
