Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
