So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
