I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
