I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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