Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
