Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
