please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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