So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize