a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
