i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
