I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
