meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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