Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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