I think I won the penis lottery.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
