I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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