It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
